


But You Keep Spinning Round Me Just The Same

by IceMage4739



Category: 13 Reasons Why (TV)
Genre: Angst, Fluff, Fluff for days tbh, I love them so much okay, I'm Sorry, M/M, Suicide mention, but not sorry, have fun, i'm tired and crying and i just
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-20
Updated: 2017-04-22
Packaged: 2018-10-21 05:53:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,872
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10679055
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IceMage4739/pseuds/IceMage4739
Summary: Ever since the day Alex Standall almost killed himself, Justin Foley has been his escape- and he was Justin's. But that's all they were, an escape.And Alex wants more.Now with Justin's point of view.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! 
> 
> If you ever need help, please talk to someone!

~But You Keep Spinnin’ Round Me Just The Same~

-Alex- 

Alex let out a tired sigh, laying back in his bed, staring intently at the ceiling in all attempt to keep his roaming eyes off the boy who was laying beside him. His shirt had long been discarded, thrown uselessly to the floor just after the other boy had gotten here. His heartbeat still hadn’t slowed down, and they’d been motionless for almost ten minutes. Alex assumed that it was the fact that he was still even there that made his heart feel like it would jump out of it’s cage, in some hurry to finish a race or something. 

No matter how fast it beat, it ached, too. Because once the release was gone, all closeness went with it, and they were just two boys absorbing the same space, shirtless, and breathing in sync. 

He couldn’t pinpoint where it all started, a senseless want, but the kiss was something he wouldn’t forget. His hand shook that night, gun perched precariously in the palm. He was going to use it, and he almost didn’t have the heart to care anymore. Almost. 

Until the other boy- green eyes of fear and pain- wandered into the room, talking nonsense, words still ingrained in his memory. “Hey, Standall, your dad let me in, I think I left something here-” his voice broke when he took in the sight. 

Neither of them moved for the longest time, and it seemed like everything else in the world had just stopped, frozen, just for them, staring at each other, in that moment. “Alex?” Justin questioned, like he didn’t want to believe it was really him sitting on the bed holding a gun. 

His actual name jolted him out of fantasy- the one where the whole world quit spinning, just for them. He felt his entire body just break, and he let out a sob, raising his hand that held the weapon that would take him far away. 

Justin was across the room in a heartbeat, and before Alex could even make sense of the movement, hands were on his, lowering them, and his lips were taken in by Justin’s. 

Alex was shocked, just to say the least. 

Here they were, almost a month later, trying to take up space while forgetting all about it, just trying to get lost in the presence of one another. The figure next to Alex shifted, and he leaned up on an elbow, looking down at Alex with a gaze he couldn’t decipher. He swooped down, capturing his lips once again, and they moved together slowly. 

Justin climbed into Alex’s lap, hand cupping his cheek, pulling him up so that he had to reach to reconnect their lips. Alex slid his hands into the taller boy’s hair, lightly pulling on the strands, earning a little groan from Justin. 

Justin disconnected their lips, instead opting to suck lightly at his jaw, pressing the two of them as close together as they could. Alex’s eyes fluttered clothes, and he allowed himself to just lose himself in all that was Justin. Nothing else existed- not the court, the tapes, his father, nothing. 

When Justin finally met their lips again, the look in his eyes was hungry, and Alex could see he wanted to take. It was like this once and a while, Justin would show up, completely bent out of shape, but he’d never talk about it, just greet Alex’s dad kindly, mutter something about a group project, then disappear into Alex’s room. He’d find Alex, and he wouldn’t speak, just push him up to the wall and take. Later that night, he’d gather himself, and he’d leave. And they never spoke about it. 

This time, Alex’s heart broke when his lips parted, letting Justin in more, and he gave, and he gave, as much as he could. 

When he’d walked into Alex’s room today, something was different. Justin’s eyes were red- and not in the weed kind of way. A small bruise formed under his cheek. No greeting left Justin’s lips, he just stared at Alex for a long time, then crossed the room and kissed him without a moment of hesitance. 

It was an escape, of sorts. A way to forget. Ever since Justin lost Jessica, and Alex needed a tether to this world. They found that in each other, but it never left this room. They didn’t even glance at each other in the hallways. 

Sometimes, if Alex was really lucky, Justin would stay a bit longer, maybe even an hour or so, and they would lay together in silence, both of them wanting to say something, but neither of them ever letting out the words. Then, Justin would say he had to leave, and Alex would never argue, just discreetly watch him pull on his shirt and slip out the door, no idea when he would ever come back, if he would ever come back. 

Finally, after Justin had made a sufficient mark on Alex’s collarbone, he stopped himself, and just hovered over the boy for a long time, looking away. Alex wasn’t really sure what to do, so he placed his hands on either side of his face, pulling his gaze so that they met each other. 

No, not once had they ever talked about it, but the was Justin looked at him, like he could break at any moment, everything in his eyes shimmering with vulnerability- Alex felt his resolve collapse. “What is it?” he said, his voice barely a whisper. If Justin had been so close to him, he doubted he would have heard. 

Justin didn’t respond for a long moment, his eyes flickering with too many emotions for Alex to keep track of. Pain, hurt, regret, longing- the latter stayed the longest. Justin shook his head, pulling away again. “It’s nothing, it’s fine,” he lied. 

“Justin-”

“I said it’s fine, Alex!” Justin yelled, his voice coming out harsher than he’d probably meant it to. 

Nevertheless, Alex flinched away from those words, his hands falling away from Justin’s cheeks. 

Justin watched him, and let out a shaky breath, turning away so that Alex couldn’t see his face. He rolled off of him, and Alex immediately missed the comfort he felt from the closeness. Justin stood up, only glancing at him once more, before picking up his shirt and muttering, “I should go.” 

He always left. 

But not this time, Alex was going to make sure of it. He caught Justin’s wrist, and though the boy refused to look at him, whether it was from shame or the fear of breaking down, Alex didn’t know, he made no attempt to pull away. “No,” Alex said. “Stay.” 

Justin’s jaw clenched, and Alex desperately wondered what he was thinking. When he caught a glimpse of his face, he saw that look again- longing. Eventually, he dropped his shirt again, the movement agonizingly slow, and he twisted his arm around so he had a grip on Alex’s hand, holding onto it tightly. 

He sat down, far enough away from Alex that he had to readjust his position to get closer to him, and they both sat there for a while, hands barely intertwined, legs dangling off the bed. 

Alex couldn’t help but stare at their hands, the whole time they’ve been doing this, it wasn’t about hand holding, or cuddling, or anything like that. It wasn’t innocent, it wasn’t hopeful. Justin’s fingers, loosely interlocked with his, had his heart beating more than it ever had, and he vaguely wondered if this was entirely normal. Alex broke the silence first, glancing at Justin, who was intently focused on the wall across from him, completely shutting him out. “Justin,” he began, as quiet as possible. He lifted his other hand to run a finger over the bruise on his cheek. “What happened?”

Justin laughed bitterly, but allowed Alex to touch his cheek. “It’s not even the worst of it,” he choked out. “She just sat there and watched. It’s the same as when he threw me out- I don’t know how I ever managed to get him to let me stay again, but it’s- it’s been worse, and I can’t- I can’t- and she doesn’t do a fucking thing.” He let out a sob, but pulled his hand from Alex’s to wipe his eyes angrily. 

Alex didn’t know much, but he knew enough to know Justin was talking about his mother and, he was assuming, her boyfriend. Alex grasped both of Justin’s hands gently, pulling them from his face, and leaned forward. He only hesitated for a second before leaving a kiss on each cheek. He pulled away, watching, unsure of how the other boy would react to his actions. 

Justin crumpled, his head leaning forward and he cried into Alex’s neck. Neither of them were sure exactly how long they sat like this, minutes, hours, Justin just crying, and Alex whispering to him, trailing his hands through the taller boy’s hair. 

Alex pulled them down so they were both laying on their backs, but he still had his arms wrapped around Justin, refusing to let go. “I don’t want you to leave,” he breathed, and he wasn’t entirely sure he’d said it, until Justin lifted his head. 

Justin searched his eyes, like he was waiting for Alex to laugh at him, tell him it was a joke, then kick him out. 

Alex reached up, kissing him softly, slowly, just letting himself get lost, but in a different way than it had been before. It was more intimate somehow, more real, and it scared the shit out of him, but Justin kissed him back all the same. When Alex pulled away, he rested his forehead against the other boy’s. “I don’t want you to leave,” he repeated. “At all.”

Justin shook his head. “I can’t-”

Alex shut him up with another kiss. “Yes, you can. Just- don’t leave. I- I think I need you,” he admitted, and Justin’s grip on him tightened instantly, the embrace becoming much more protective. “And I think you need me. And I want,” he paused, then forced himself to finish, “I want this to be real. Don’t leave.”

Justin nodded, simply saying, “Okay. Okay, Standall- Alex- I’ll stay.”


	2. I'll Be Good

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Justin's POV

~I’ll Be Good~

-Justin-

Justin didn’t like to think things through before he acted- he knew that. He supposed that’s what brought him to Alex’s that day; well, that and the fact that he _had_ left a sock there. But he knew, deep down, that the sock was just another excuse to see the blonde boy again before he left town for good.

As he stood outside Alex’s door, almost a month ago, he didn’t really know what he was going to say. Knowing himself, he’d mutter something about a sock, find it, and leave, with a quick “fuck you” over his shoulder, because Justin Foley did not do emotions.   
  
He opened the door, simply saying, “Hey, Standall, your dad let me in, I think I left someth-” but his voice cracked when his eyes finally fell on the boy that was sitting on the bed.

It took him a couple minutes to fully process the scene. The boy he’d always thought was just a little too small for this cold world- but had always proved him wrong- was sitting on the edge of his bed, looking smaller than ever. It seemed as if the thing in his hand towered over him, over both of them. Justin felt his heart quicken when his eyes locked in on it, the gun. Alex’s lips were parted in surprise, his eyes blue pools of confusion and sadness.

“Alex?” Justin whispered, and he wasn’t quite sure the name came out right, he was too scared if he said it, it would be real.

A sob escaped from Alex’s lips, and it broke all illusion of any sort of calm in the room, and suddenly it was all spinning. His hand lifted, and Justin moved faster than he thought he ever could, leaning over Alex, one hand over his, the other on his cheek, forcing their eyes to meet.

No, Justin didn’t like to think about things, he was a person of action. And he knew there was nothing in this moment he could say, so he pressed his lips to the smaller boy’s, wishing with all his heart that he could breathe some sort of hope back into him, but knowing he had none to spare. Nevertheless, he kissed him, with all he had, because it was all he knew, all he was good at, and Alex, through all his despair and pain, kissed him back.

Justin stared at Alex’s ceiling, a month later.

He didn’t know what he was doing. His plan had been to leave, but when he’d left Alex’s house the next morning, with all assurance that Alex would not hurt himself while he was away, he knew he was not done in this town.   
  
So, he went back to his apartment, opening the door. His mom’s boyfriend put his fist through the wall, inches away from Justin’s face. But he didn’t kick him out again. His mom sat on the couch, reading her magazine like it was any other Sunday morning.

This time, when he came to Alex’s, he almost didn’t. He almost did just leave, not say goodbye, and just disappear. He stood outside his house for a good five minutes, contemplating. In the end, his ache to be near Alex- for the comfort and warmth- was too strong, and he knocked on the door, shuffling past Mr. Standall on the way to Alex’s room.   
  
He knew the bruise on his cheek was noticeable- an ugly purple color- and the other ones that littered his ribs and stomach, the ones only Alex would see, but pretend he didn’t. Because they didn’t talk about things, and that was better for Alex. The less he put on the other boy, the better. The last thing he wanted to do- ever- was hurt him. So, he’d come to his room, broken, and he’d leave, with small kisses somewhat filling the hollow feeling.

It was better for Alex, he’d tell himself.

Justin was a time bomb, and he knew it, but he still let himself selfishly crave Alex’s company.

And this was the last time.

His mom’s boyfriend really had thrown him out this time.

The warmth of Alex next to him, so close, but not touching, was drawing him in, and he finally sat up on his elbow, allowing himself to stare down at the boy beside him. He contemplated just leaving now, but he knew that he wanted to stay just a little longer.

He kissed him again, sighing a little when Alex kissed him back eagerly. Every time, he was scared he would be pushed away, that Alex would finally have him figured out, and he would hate him.

He climbed into Alex’s lap, unconsciously pulling Alex as close as he could, biting lightly at his lip until the boy under him gave way, opening his mouth, allowing Justin entrance.

When Alex’s hands tangled in his hair, Justin’s heart fluttered, and he groaned against Alex’s mouth, breaking the kiss to suck at the smaller boy’s jaw. He tilted his head to the side, giving Justin more access to the soft skin. He kissed all down his neck, then nipped at his collarbone, enough to leave a light mark.

He pulled back, finally, hovering over him, avoiding his gaze because he knew he could get lost in it, and straying from the path was dangerous. But then Alex’s hands were placed on his cheeks, and he gently guided Justin so that their eyes met. Everything in Justin’s mind was screaming _no! Leave now, or you’ll just hurt yourself- and him- more_ , but the oceans of blue kept him there, heart aching.

Originally, it had been an escape. For some reason, kissing Alex Standall was better than any drug Justin could ever take. Then his feelings had warped, and they terrified him. He didn’t just want to touch Alex, he wanted to hold him, protect him from everything bad that was haunting him- he wanted to _love_ him- and, fuck, if that didn’t scare the living shit out of him.

“What is it?” Alex murmured, and his voice was so soft, he sounded so real- like he could actually care- that Justin almost broke then and there.

He wanted nothing more than to just let himself be held, to let himself cry, but he knew he couldn’t. It was better like this. This way, he wouldn’t hurt Alex. He shook his head, pulling away from Alex’s hands, instantly missing the touch. “It’s nothing, it’s fine,” the words tasted bland, and he knew they were pathetic.   
  
“Justin-”

“I said it’s fine, Alex!” he hissed, his tone harsh. He felt himself pushing him away, putting space between them, even though they were still close, physically.

He didn’t miss the way Alex flinched from his words, and Justin’s heart fell. He should’ve left earlier, it was selfish of him to have stayed, and now he was just hurting Alex more by being here.

A shaky breath escaped him, and he turned his face to hide it from Alex. He rolled off of him, his feet hitting the floor silently. He stood, and for a moment, he thought he would fall all over again, but his legs were steady beneath him. He stole one more glance at Alex- the last he’d probably get.

His white hair was messed up, and his eyes were locked on him, sad and confused, and he was laying on his side, a little red mark still sitting boldly on his collar bone. Justin had to admit, he looked pretty damn beautiful. Then he cursed himself, because he wasn’t _fucking_ supposed to think like that.

He located his shirt, picked it up, and muttered a quick, “I should go.”

He turned, about to walk to the door, when a cool hand wrapped around his wrist, firm enough to hold him in place. Justin didn’t move- he couldn’t look at him. He was sure his fingers were trembling, and he felt like if Alex didn’t let him go in the next two seconds, he would fucking break, so he didn’t look at him, because he knew all defenses would be gone if he did.   
  
“No,” Alex said, and his voice was strong, sure. “Stay.”  
  
Justin felt his jaw clench. He wanted to- _God, he wanted to_ \- but he couldn’t, he’d just be a burden. He’d end up hurting him, because that’s all he does, all he’s good for. He felt a part of his strength falter, and he finally glanced back, and then all the walls went down along with it. Justin twisted his arm out of the blonde boy’s grip, altering it so he had a grasp on his hand, and he clung to it for a second, then sat on the edge of the bed, giving him some space, but didn’t let go of his hand.

Justin hadn’t left, and for that, he was selfish- weak. He hated himself for doing this to Alex, but the other boy crawled closer to him anyways, and they sat quietly, Justin focused on the wall ahead, trying to shut him out, trying to regain the strength to leave, no matter how much of his heart he’d leave behind.   
  
“Justin,” Alex said, and his name from his lips, spoken so softly, destroyed him. His other hand lifted, stroking the bruise on his cheek lightly. Justin hated how much he never wanted that fleeting touch to go away. “What happened?”  
  
Justin laughed, some sort of defense, but all walls were shattered, and he found himself spitting out words. “It’s not even the worst of it,” he choked out. “She just sat there and watched. It’s the same as when he threw me out- I don’t know how I ever managed to get him to let me stay again, but it’s- it’s been worse, and I can’t- I can’t- and she doesn’t do a fucking thing.” He left out too much of the story- the part where he couldn’t go home, not this time. It was too much too put on Alex, he didn’t need that burden. It was Justin’s, and his alone, that’s how it would always be. He felt himself crying, and he angrily pulled himself away from Alex to wipe at his eyes.

Alex didn’t say anything, and for that, Justin was grateful, he just grasped his hands, pulling them from his face so he was vulnerable to the smaller boy. Justin watched in disbelief as Alex simply kissed each cheek, uncharacteristically lovingly- kissed the tears away.

And that was all it took. Justin crumpled, sobbing, and hid his face in Alex’s neck. He let himself feel the beating of his heart, to love and want this closeness, even if it was to another boy. He allowed himself to be selfish, just this once, and be held as he cried. Alex stroked his hair, whispering softly to him.

He didn’t know when or how, but he found them both laying down, Justin’s head tucked against Alex, his arms around him like he could protect him from all the world’s terrors, from all of his ghosts. “I don’t want you to leave,” he whispered.

Justin lifted his head, searching Alex’s eyes. He couldn’t believe it, Alex didn’t know what he was saying, Justin was poison.

Alex leaned up, brushing his lips against Justin lightly, then again, and he kissed him slowly.   
  
Justin’s heart leaped. There was something different in this kiss- it was more intimate. Alex had to feel it too. This felt- it felt so real, and Justin didn’t want this feeling to escape. Justin found himself moving his lips with Alex, until the latter pulled away, resting his forehead against Justin’s.

“I don’t want you to leave,” he repeated, stronger. “At all.”

Justin shook his head, but he felt himself giving way all the same. He wanted to stay so bad, stay and see if he could let himself love- if Alex would let him love. His doubts came crashing into his mind, and he found himself speaking what he didn’t want to say. “I can’t-”

Alex shut him up, kissing him again, and the same amazing feeling overcame him. “Yes, you can. Just- don’t leave. I- I think I need you,” he admitted. Justin’s heart clenched, and he tightened his grip on Alex protectively. “And I think you need me.” _So much_ , Justin thought. “And I want,” Alex paused, taking a deep breath, then forced himself to continue. “I want this to be real. Don’t leave.”

Something in Alex’s eyes was pleading, and he spoke all the words Justin was too afraid to. Justin found himself nodding, pushing his doubts away. “Okay,” he whispered simply. “Okay, Standall- Alex. I’ll stay.”

There was so much more he ached to say, but that could wait for another time. For now, he just explained by leaning in to kiss him again, in the kind of way that told him everything he couldn’t exactly put to words now. 

**Author's Note:**

> Tell me what you think! :)


End file.
